Let me preface this by saying I make a lot of mistakes in my story, it could have gone horribly wrong but thankfully it did not. Looking back on the story I am incredibly lucky that my date turned out to be a jerk not a masked murderer. If you’re ever on a date and you feel uncomfortable, just leave.

Let me set the scene, I was a sad panda. I had just gotten back from my exchange year, most of my friends had already graduated and I found out that my ex had cheated on me the whole time we’d been ‘working things out’. It’s safe to say that emotionally I was pretty drained. To cheer myself up I went to a cheerleading social, hoping to reconnect with some old friends and possibly make some new friends. What I did not expect was a story that I will tell everyone for the rest of my life.

I get to the party, but due to my aforementioned mood I wasn’t really feeling it. Half an hour in and I was sat in the corner, nursing the first drink I’d bought, seriously considering going home. Turns out, when you leave for a year life doesn’t just stand still. Reverse culture shock they called it, and it sucked hard. As I was deciding between leaving and making the most of the night (I looked hot in the dress) this guy walked up to me and introduced himself. His name was Matthew Subway Boy. He was cute, younger than me, shorter than me but bursting with all confidence. He was pretty adorable, very charming, describing the date and talking up how much of a good time we would have. So I thought, why not? Worst thing to happen would be that we don’t get along and that’s that, right? Hahaha, so wrong.

The first red flag showed up almost immediately after we exchanged numbers and set a date. With all my friends gone I opted for allocated university housing and in an effort to bond my housemates planned a group excursion to this party. Not wanting to be the only one in the house not going I rescheduled my date. He. Flipped. Out. Told me that I was stalling, that he didn’t think I was one for playing mind games. I was utterly baffled by his reaction, but I tried to soothe his ego by telling him I was looking forward to it, and that I wasn’t playing any mind games. We rescheduled, he was a little more curt but told me to dress nicely and meet him at 7pm sharp.

The second red flag was at 7:15pm. I was waiting at our meet point and there was no sign of him, no message, nothing. 7:20pm, he shows up, but he is wearing sports gear and carrying his sports bag. The first thing he said to me was, “Oh you actually showed up, and you dressed up super pretty for me. That’s one point for you.”

He’d totally hyped up awesome this date was going to be, I wondered if I had the wrong date? He briefly apologised that he wasn’t dressed and asked asked if we could stop by his house so he could change. On our way there I tried to make small talk, but he was so contrary about everything. You know the type of person who believe that they could solve the world’s problems in two weeks with some yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks if everyone would just listen to them? He was one of those people. Utterly enamoured with the sound of his voice.  As we walked through the door of his house he mentioned that he had already cooked, so he wasn’t really that hungry.

What. The.

He got changed into casual clothes and we stood around in his kitchen while he offered me a glass of either water or wine to and I quote, “loosen me up”. While I’m refusing either option (ew gross) his housemates showed up, ask who I am, are pretty rude and constantly giggle at an inside joke. I suggest we leave, he lets me out the door first, and promptly slammed the door behind me. Lord, why didn’t I go home then!?

We walked around for half an hour and he had a problem with every place we walked by. Now we were in the heartland of Studentville, so we must have walked by twenty places to eat or grab a drink. I finally got frustrated and went to Subway (hence the name!) but they had no seats and his house was close by so I figured I’d eat there then go home.

He pretty much watched me eat, then insisted that he teach me how to play the guitar despite me telling him I wasn’t interested. After I was done eating (how polite) he decided that the light was ‘too bright’ so he turned off the light while I sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed as there was no space anywhere else. Then he started babbling about our future, and he said the best worst thing, that I was on probation. Yep. Probation. He told me that he saw our prospects as good, but he needed two weeks to mull it over and he’d let me know if I’d made the cut.

It was then that I fully grasped the extent of his crazy and I got up to go home. He insisted on walk me home. I only agreed because at that point it was pretty dark. He then hinted at other girls in the running to be his girlfriend but told me not to be worried that my chances were pretty good. I kept silent and walked as quickly as I could. I pretty much sprinted to my door and said goodnight as I was shutting the door on his face. He knocked, I answered and then he did what I can only describe as enveloping my face with his mouth. It was most unpleasant.

He actually did text me letting me know I’d made the cut.

I did not reply.