I’m looking around my house and it’s a mess. Not in the bashful way you apologise for the mess when people have come to visit and your house is spotless. No, my home right now is an honest to goodness mess. I want to say that I don’t know how it’s gotten this bad, to blame the fact that I’ve travelled a lot this year or that it’s too cold to do anything, but those are excuses. I know exactly why it’s a mess, it’s the same reason why I can’t remember when I cooked something interesting for myself to eat beyond pasta or why I order takeout as much as I do. I’m not being very nice to myself.
Procrastination has always been my best friend, but I’d always be doing something else that was worthwhile even though there was something more pressing to be doing. So instead of vacuuming I’d be reading a book, or I’d be following a tutorial on photoshop. But lately my procrastination has just been life avoidance?
It took me seven months to buy a mop. It’s still in the cupboard, unwrapped and unused. Actually it took me a month to put it in the cupboard to start with, I left it out in the hallway telling myself each time I passed it that I’d use it this week. Honest. I’d unwrap it, move things around and I’d seriously mop the kitchen floor. It’s in the cupboard now. Unused.
I got this way because I’d say things like, “I’ll dress nicely tomorrow”, “I’ll do my hair next week”, “I’ll for sure do laundry and the dishes in the morning”. Then I’d get mad at myself for not doing those super basic things. I’d take something as simple as washing socks and turn it into an excuse to be unkind to myself. Rather than just say, “doh! I guess I let it get out of hand!”, it’d be a debilitating spiral of sadness where I’d berate myself and feel bad about procrastinating. Bizzare.
So, for 2020 I’d like to be a little less lazy and to be nicer to myself. Like I said yesterday, each day is a choice right? So I’m choosing to overall just be better. To make the decision each time to make better choices, to hold myself accountable and to I dunno be nicer to myself when I run out of socks.