Lots of “I”.

So I’m an adult. I still don’t believe that I’m an adult. When did I stop being a kid and become an adult? I don’t remember that day, I didn’t check the box saying yes I accept these changes. I didn’t authorise this transformation, I wasn’t ready! I need more time. I can barely feel the difference, what is the difference?

I have a BA in Marketing, a stable income from a job which is fun to do, I’m surrounded by people who are genuinely fun and I have a boy who is pretty derpy but cute as all get out. Plus video games. I could easily stay here, in this place where I am which is comfortable and easy. But I don’t want to! This is evident in my last rambling posts of this nature. 

I want to get out, I want to do things. I realised something insanely profound, I loved school. I did. I really loved school. I crave structure and order because it allows me to be as creative as possible. Does that make sense? It does to me, that’s the important thing. So why didn’t I stay in school and rush to do a masters after my first degree? Because I was burnt out. I had the most spectacular year in Seoul and then I came back to a massive let down. I had my heart broken, spectacularly and I was reminded of that heartbreak every time I left the house. Then I got sick. It’s safe to say my final year was a big mess of awful and awesome experiences, but by the time I was done experiencing them I just wanted to be done and so I put off studying more.

I don’t regret that decision, I still think I made the right call. If I had continued I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. I wouldn’t have met the people I met, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. And I am, happy right now. 

My mother asked me that horrible question which 20-somethings usually loathe, “What do you want to do with your life?” What do I want to do with my life? I couldn’t answer her, and to her credit she didn’t expect me to. She just wanted me to think about it and think about it I have.

There is one thing in my life I love doing above all things, that is planning. Anyone who knows me, knows I used to carry two big books. One is my diary the other my week planner. Separate things, both insanely important to me. I am a massive tech aficionado, but I need to write things down for them to stick in my memory. Thankfully my new phone is weaning me away from my dependence on paper. But I still love it. I’m the girl who cannot walk past the stationery store without checking to see if they have.. well.. markers? I don’t know. My stationary drawer weighs easily over 3kgs and I am not ashamed.

I love to organise and assign and manage and distribute. Sounds like I would make an excellent manager right? Not really, I love to work with people collaboratively, granted I love to be in charge, but I would rather work with people who are excited to do the job with me than for me. 

I love to be creative, but my creativity is through little doodle but more importantly through words. I might not ever be able to draw a realistic looking horse but I’ll doodle the hell out of a note to someone.

So what is that answer? What do I want to do with my life? I know for sure I want to be happy. I want to be challenged, I want to explore, examine, experience, discover. I want to engage with things and with people in a way I never thought I could. I want to push myself and I want to really see what this world has to offer and I want I can offer in return. In short? I want to go back to school. 

If I’m being totally honest, this was always my intention. I just lost sight of it because I was so afraid of failing at.. whatever it was I was worried at failing at. Sometimes I do this, I panic and I pick things that are safe. I’m done with that. Safe is boring. I’m not boring.

My goal, as it always has been is to go to graduate school. I’m removing all restrictions like money and any silly things like ties to a particular location. The world is my play ground and it’s time I started living like it is. 

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