I miss blogging, and I don’t want to go into 2020 without writing. You know what the hardest part about writing is? Writing. So I’m just going to do it, I’m going to just write. Here I go. I’m going to write a blog post every day for the rest of the month.

So what’s up huh?

2019 … has been quite a year. For the past six years I’ve always had a word that’s been my guiding principle for the year. This year was Growth, I think? I don’t know I feel like I’ve been sorta free-falling for a while. For the past three/four years (I genuinely don’t know, I stopped counting after the first year) I’ve been defining my life as, before the break-up and after the break-up. It was the moment when my life just deviated from the path I’d been planning my whole life, very Jane the Virgin style. I’m someone who just plans plans plans plans. I had backup plans for my backup plans. Then one day we broke up, I didn’t have a plan anymore, so I threw myself into the chaos. I did what people say you should do, hit the gym, delete facebook, focus on friends and the things that make you happy. I embraced the unstructured because plans didn’t mean anything right?

I treated myself into debt, I threw myself into work and the part that saddens me the most, I stopped being a blogger because I couldn’t bring myself to share my life with anyone else. I used to plan my blog posts, but all that felt meaningless, because plans never work out right? I dated people who were wrong for me because I didn’t think I could really trust my judgment anymore. I told myself that I was focusing on being in the moment and spontaneity but the truth is, I just didn’t want to be accountable for my actions anymore – so I opted out of it. I subconsciously deviated from all the things I used to love about myself because I was so disappointed in who I was, in all my plans. I hesitated and second guessed myself. I let myself spiral. I lost myself. I’m such an idiot.

So 2019 and growth? I’ve done a lot of growing up this year despite me resisting at every possible opportunity. I used to think growing up meant you had your own place and you could eat cake for breakfast. I know now that’s only part of it. I had a lot of come to Jesus moments this year in honestly the most unexpected ways. I wish I could say they’ve been painful and dramatic lessons, but they haven’t. It’s been in the small things. Someone says something in passing in my life about me, or about themselves and it’s like a ding! Lightbulb moment. The scales drop off my eyes and wow like I get it all of a sudden. Moments like that.

The biggest crutch I’ve had to let go is that I can’t keep thinking of my life as before and after the break-up. I’m more than an attachment to another person. Yeah it sucks yanno that things didn’t work out. It sucks so much that love isn’t enough but I don’t want my life to be defined by that. I don’t want the reason why I don’t do the things I enjoyed anymore to be from some trauma that happened years ago for reasons I’m over. Carrying around this burden for a life I don’t even want to live anymore? That’s wild.

This is the blog post that I didn’t want to write because this is the part you’re supposed to put something inspirational about coming out of the other side stronger and better. Celebrate the support network you have and blah blah but you know what? I don’t have those words to say, instead I’ll say this, Life is hard and every day is a choice. Every day I want to make the choice to love myself, to speak myself, to define for myself the life I want and the person I want to be. So that’s what I’m going to do.

That’s it. That’s the whole blog post. Thanks for sticking with me.